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Pipe Dreams - Sports

Bernie Williams

Bernie Williams was a very, very good baseball player for the NY Yankees. Recently there’s been a lot of noise from the NY sports guys for his induction into the MLB-HOF. Induction? I don’t think so. He didn’t redefine his CF position; he didn’t post over-whelming superior offensive and defensive stats (in 16-years he batted .297, hit 287 hr’s [18 per year], had 1257 rbi’s [70 per year], was a 5 time All-Star with 4 gold-gloves). But still, he doesn’t have a name that instantly says “STAR” like Joe Morgan, Mike Schmidt, Rod Carew, or Kirby Puckett.

Wake-Up For MLB

Bruce Jenkins said in The SF Chronicle: “It was a wake-up call for all sports (not just MLB) Monday when the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency announced a positive test for HGH. The lack of reliable testing had always put MLB in the dark regarding HGH, believed to be used extensively (to this day) by players around the game. Count on the players’ union and Bud Selig’s crew to take way too long - perhaps a year - to determine that the new testing is actually foolproof. Then we’ll see a dramatic new era - right about the time a new, beat-the-tests drug comes off the designer market.”

NORM!

A prize winning reader asked Norman Chad in the “Ask The Slouch” section of his syndicated column: “Did spinach consumption enable Popeye to rough up Bluto or did it merely aid his recovery time?”

James-Town

Bill Conlin of The Philly Daily News talked about the latest of Bill James’ rankings: “Bill James, baseball’s most prominent SABRrattler, just released his annual inventory of the most valuable young talent in baseball. I almost spit orange juice all over the keyboard when I had to read down to No. 16 to find the name of American League MVP Joe Mauer, the game’s best catcher since Johnny Bench. James must have been drinking decimal points on the rocks. He ranks Mariners power arm Felix Hernandez No. 1 and Brewers wide-body Prince Fielder No. 2. Joe Mauer No. 16? One behind 2009 Mets bust David Wright? Go figure.

Good Calls

Jerry Crowe, of the LA Times, offered a couple of the best calls in broadcasting: “No list of great calls in sports broadcasting is complete, several readers suggest, without Howard Cosell’s excited utterance from the 1973 George Foreman-Joe Frazier title bout: “Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!” . . .and an offer from a Boston perspective: “Johnny Most’s ‘Havlicek stole the ball!’.”

To Like And Not To Like

Chris Erskine of The LA Times said that he was: “A fan of: Figure skates, the ultimate stiletto heel.

Not a fan of: Those flesh-colored pantyhose -- or whatever they’re called -- that come down over the figure skaters’ laces, like lumpy sausage.

A fan of: The Richmond Olympic Oval, a speedskating venue with a distinctive Wheat Chex wood ceiling.

Not a fan of: BC Place, Vancouver’s mega-arena, which looks like a diseased mushroom.

A fan of: Hockey jerseys.

Not a fan of: Men in Spandex.”

Bringing Their Eh Game

This is from Dwight Perry’s own pun-filled pen: “Own the podium at the Winter Olympics? The host Canucks certainly owned the top of it a record 14 gold medals.

Or in the words of metallurgists, Au Canada.”

Perry’s Patter

This is from Dwight Perry in The Seattle Times: RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on Canadian defenseman Shea Weber’s seemingly phantom goal against Germany: “The puck flashed through the mesh like a thought through Paris Hilton’s head.”

“A huge chunk of ice about the size of Oahu broke off a glacier in the Antarctic last week,” noted comedy writer Jerry Perisho. “This week, Donald Trump announced he’s building a resort and three golf courses on it.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the difference between Olympic speed-skating and an NBA game: “The starting official is usually the only one in the arena with a gun.”

Russian president Dmitry Medvedev is demanding that all his country’s top sports officials be sacked after their athletes’ disappointing performance at the Winter Olympics.

Or as those ex-Soviet hardliners call it, losing another cold war.

Royal Dogfight

Dwight Perry said in The Seattle Times that “A Kansas City Royals fan is suing the team for more than $25,000 after a hot dog fired into the stands by Sluggerrr the team mascot smacked him in the eye.

Officials suspect it had too much mustard on it.” (OH MAN!)

OK, We’ll Bite

From The Orlando Sentinel’s Mike Bianchi:

Q: What do you get when you cross a NASCAR race with a Winter Olympics event?

A: Billybobsledding.”

Plans For West Point

Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon StarPhoenix, said about the coach of South Korean skating star Kim Yu-na: “I have no problem with Canadians coaching foreign teams and athletes. I happen to like Benedict Orser.”

Just Say Nyet

This year “Was the 30th anniversary of Lake Placid’s Miracle on Ice,” noted the New York Post’s Peter Vecsey. “Three decades later, we’re sticking it to the Russians again, they’re buying the Nets.”

Knicks Knock

Earlier this season, I thought about what it would take for the Knicks to reach the 35 win mark. Now I wonder if they’ll even reach 30. As of 3/3 they were at 20-39, 339 and need to take 10 of the final 23 (.435). HA, fat chance!

Molinaro Marinara

“This from Bob Molinaro on HamptonRoads.com: “Many fans are eagerly trying to imagine what Redskins owner Dan Snyder can do with an uncapped year... because Snyder’s splurging has worked so well up to now, right?

Just read my first story of the year about big-league managers on the hot seat. Can a manager’s seat be hot in February? At any rate, the seamheads consistently give managers too much credit and blame. The architects of baseball teams are general managers. They should be the fall guys, too.”

A Quick Tiger Woods Note

“Tiger Woods” said he found himself locked in a foolish, repetitive, horribly selfish activity,” comedian Bill Maher notes, “but he intends to keep golfing anyway.”

Visit my blog- “Dreams’ Blog”, at bobcon.wordpress.com for daily sports opinions and updates.

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